Being Hopeful and Open....

The Holidays, love 'em or hate 'em, they come around every year. And each year I look in the subtext for a lesson or thought that I might take with me into the new year. This year I feel like I receved two words; hope and openness. Those were the theme words for my holidays. Everything that came up became another lesson in how to be more hopeful or more open.

Hope to me means openness. The optimism that follows a really good day, the feeling we get when we have accomplished something, those are examples of when I feel most hopeful. But hope to me is a state of mind more than anything. I have to go there, even when I don't feel like it. And I think that at the core of all of us, there is a little bit of hope, even when all seems lost. Even the most hardened pessimist can feel a shred of hope in something good, even if it is just a nice piece of cake.

Openness is a little harder for me. I think I am an open book most of the time, but I don't always allow for the possibilities that COULD be. I tend to live in my safety bubble, hoping that things will turn out for the best, no one will be angry or hurt, no one will be uncomfortable, the doors will be safely locked against the outside world. But as I look at my locked doors, I wonder how many good things I have kept out. I don't want to live with regret, but I also don't want to stay walled up against the scary (yet ultimately rewarding) parts of being a grown-up.

So 2010 to me is about openness and hope... I call it my year of hopenness :-)

Fall goes so fast

I love looking out the window and watching the seasons change. But it seems like this year is going so fast. And in the midst of all the busy-ness, I have had so many opportunities to do new things, find new finds, and meet new people. Here is a fall recap:

• Samuel George Gladfelter was born... to be there and watch Jen and Dave become parents and add to their family was a wonderful, indescribable moment of happiness.
• I got to do a book review for a major magazine! More details to come.
• Mom had a great visit, she ironed everything I own and made my life really easy!
• Brandi Carlile's new album is really great. You should get it.
• Ellie is so gown-up and fabulous. All of two; she is the smartest, the keee-uwt-ist little lady. She dressed up as a puppy dog for Halloween. Loved the sudden realization she had when we went trick or treating... wait... they are putting CANDY in my bag??
• A fantastic student teacher has been so wonderful. Also, I have a really awesome, funny, smart set of students this year. Good students always make the year go fast.

So what is new with you?

They're writing songs of love, but not for me

Sometimes I feel like everyone in the world has someone except me. Sometimes I feel like I have so many wonderful single friends and who needs a man anyway. Sometimes I feel like Gerard Butler just needs to meet me so we can fall in love and have a huge Scottish-themed wedding. (kidding) Loneliness is hard. Poets, scholars, theologians, scientists and Beyonce have all examined this topic thoroughly. I always go back to John Donne when I talk to people about loneliness:

"All mankind is of one author, and is one volume; when one man dies, one chapter is not torn out of the book, but translated into a better language; and every chapter must be so translated...As therefore the bell that rings to a sermon, calls not upon the preacher only, but upon the congregation to come: so this bell calls us all: but how much more me, who am brought so near the door by this sickness....No man is an island, entire of itself...any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind; and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee."

So we are meant to be in relationship, right? I mean, that is what Donne suggests here. All of us are interconnected, part of a larger... something. And really, who wants to be alone. Tom Hanks couldn't even be alone on a deserted island.

Even though I live alone, I have a large network of people I love and care about who love and care about me. Isn't that enough? I love and desire a relationship with God and he pursues me and loves me, that should be enough. But there is a longing in me that hasn't been fulfilled, yet.

It is that YET that contains the difference between my feeling of isolated, Bridget-Jonesian loneliness or my feeling of content, Gloria-Steinem singlehood. Today there is a yet. Tomorrow there may not be. Hope comes and goes and it is the hardest part of me to pin down. Just like the wind today--whipping the leaves into frenzied circles, my hope shouldn't be so flighty. I am certain of a few things, but I wish I knew with as much certainty that there is someone out there for me. But maybe if I had that same certainty, I wouldn't have faith.

---

Living with an open hand

I went to the David Wilcox concert tonight... it was like a revival for my poor, weary heart. It brought up a lot of epiphanies about stuff going on in my life right now. Most of my epiphany was how good it felt to just chill out and listen. I don't do that very often. Stopping my life to listen to David Wilcox's story-songs seems like a luxury and also a little scary because he might bring some stuff up in his songs that open up some truths in my life. I found myself spontaneously weeping and thinking "Crap, I so don't want to deal with this feeling right now". But there I was, weeping. It wasn't that I felt sad, it was just that I felt home. So in a way it was like a "good" sad, you know?

He played two songs that really met me where I am right now. The first is a song called "Deeper Still" which is about as heartbreaking as a song can get, but also sings of hope. How do we go on when life gets so hard? As David Wilcox sings, "you will always have what you gave to love".

The next song he sang that really touched me was a song called "Open Hand". If you want to live life, live it with an open hand. Receiving something is always better than demanding it, right? I want to be able to receive what God gives to me with an open hand, I know that if I clutch onto anything, my appreciation of the gift decreases by about 10.

i dunno...David Wilcox is just amazing. This posting is just to say that and give you an opportunity to agree with me. :-)

The sea is still the sea...

How much does anger cost?

I'll admit, I've been frustrated lately. It is easy for that frustration to manifest into anger and then for the anger to manifest into bitterness. And then the bitterness makes us feel more bloated than a hot dog eating contest. The truth is, anger does nothing for us. It is like drinking poison and expecting the object of our anger to die. And yet, we have such a hard time releasing ourselves from it. It is almost addictive. If we could just get a witness or some validation for our anger, then we'd be free of it.

Well, that doesn't solve problems. The truth is that life is sometimes unfair and sometimes we don't agree with people or practices. And instead of accepting that, we get angry-er-er. These are the people at health care reform town hall meetings, these are the people who have talk shows on news networks, these are the people who have escalated to near stroke levels in their inability to process difficult emotions.

I was told this summer that I am in the "in" group where I work. I don't know about that. I tend to deal with difficult situations by problem solving or rationalizing, rather than escalating the situation to epic levels of "THIS-IS-SPARTA!!-push-you-off-a-cliff" madness. I wasn't always this way. I can be pretty emotional and scream-y and blood pressure raisingly grrrrrrr sometimes. But that emotional torment has never aided my cause. I found outlets for my grrrr-ness; yoga, counselling, chips and salsa, and visualizing that stone cottage in Scotland. If nothing else, I have great "shower rants" in which I rant and argue with nonexistent people while I shower.

Yesterday, I read this idea that the sea may ebb and flow, but it is still the sea. What is constant in my life is God. God is. The troubles of my life and the anger that I feel may come and go, and come again, but God is God. He is my anchor when I feel adrift. And honestly, why participate in anger when it produces so few results? Anger doesn't make us healthier, smarter, more popular... it is a moment of torment that we have a hard time casting off.

What does anger cost us?

the leather recliner of emotional enabling...

Hamlet is spinning around my head. What a mess that kid was. Why couldn't he just confront his mom and say, "Look Mom, I am having a hard time with your new marriage and I am not quite ready to move forward after Dad's death and I think it would be better for everyone if I just went back to school and then maybe I'll backpack around Italy."

BUT NO... Hamlet had to fester and stew and create a revenge fantasy, and then act it out in this huge killing spree. Reading this play as the first thing I do with the seniors has convinced me that I need to be taking care of myself this year.

I created a little triangle of wellness (well, I didn't create it, but I remember it). In order to maintain my well-being I need to maintain my spiritual, physical and emotional health. That means having time to read and journal and pray, making time to exercise and eat well, and using my little emotional help tools to stay emotionally healthy. School is a huge drain on me, and I sometimes wonder if it is like that for everyone who teaches. I find myself going to bed early and relying on diet Pepsi to get me through to 4th block. In the fall I think I tend to adjust poorly to this change. I come home at 3:30 and I sink into the leather recliner I got this summer... and I rock back and forth while staring at Jeopardy and I wonder if it is too late to apply at Starbucks. I can create some negative spirals fairly quickly. Granted, my coping skills are fairly innocuous, but coping just enables poor emotional health, it doesn't heal.

But this is (I hope) a short transition time. I have to take care of the needs I have; spiritually, emotionally and physically, and in turn that will give me more energy to teach and teach well. A dangerous cycle is created when we don't take care of ourselves. I know how it affects my teaching when a part of my well-being is off-kilter. One bad hair day and I go back into the negative cycle. I don't want to sit in that recliner all school year. What kinds of things do you do to keep yourself healthy in times of stress?

Super Girl fights the perceptions of others!

This has been a strange summer for me. Not like alien-visitation strange, but more "awareness-of-who-I-am" strange. I found some photos that I hadn't seen before, I met new family members, I tried beer from Thailand. It was almost like I was looking at this person I used to be and thought "who was that?" I think people do that in their 30's, reflect a lot on who they are, where they came from and inevitably, they look toward where they are going.

As humans, we tend to compare ourselves to others. And sometimes that comparative analysis can lead us into dangerous waters. The waters where our insecurity and fears become magnified. I have been watching a lot of Mad Men this month and I see it a lot in the 60's. There was this unspoken standard to be "normal" in the 50's and 60's that was ultimately repressive and emotionally shaming. Now (even today) we sometimes compare ourselves to the "norm", the "standard expectations" that seem to satellite around us. But I am finding that those standards don't apply to me, and that feels really freeing.

I have said to many people this summer "99% of how another person treats you is about them and not about you". Well der! But it is one thing to know that and another thing to own it. If we get that negative message in our head and then start a story around it, then all that stuff about it being about them is moot.

So what is my supergirl strength? Well, I vow to fight the stories in my head and be aware of what is definitely NOT about me. Fight the "norm", be YOU and whatever makes you YOU is meant to be.

I've got suitcases full of issues.

“If I could fully accept the truth that I am forgiven and do not have to live in guilt or shame, I would really be free. My freedom would allow me to forgive others seventy times seven times. By not forgiving, I chain myself to a desire to get even, thereby losing my freedom.” – Henry Nouwen

Last week was pretty hard for me. I struggled with my top three “gah” inducing issues. I am sure we all have at least one of those issues; family, self-image, confidence, success, blah blah blah. Mine are sometimes triggered by well-meaning people and then I am sent to my bed listening to sad FM and drinking Coyote Gold from the bottle with a straw. Well, it wasn't that bad last week, but I did feel some anger, some self-pity and some awesome self-loathing. And this week as I was trying to get myself free of the garbage that hangs on after one of these rockin episodes of crappiness, I found some very wise words and had a real epiphany.

This summer my mantra has been “Let Go”. I love the songs that really underscore the letting go, “Babylon” by David Gray comes to mind, and that Frou Frou song, “Let Go”. I think the theme of these things is to let go of whatever is keeping you down. Be unfettered, be free to go forward. But I think this really hit home for me yesterday as I was reading the above passage by Henry Nouwen. I thought about all the things that have come easily to me, in particular, this wonderful house I bought last year. I really really really wanted this house when I first saw it. It was the one. But I never had a moment of anxiety that I wouldn't get it. I just knew that I would be living in this place and that it would be awesome.

Well, obviously home-ownership is not one of the issues I struggle with. In fact, the issues that I struggle with are the same issues I carry around with me everywhere I go and in everything I do. It is like I have these three giant suitcases full of my neuroses. I pack the suitcases with my wants, my fears, my insecurities and all the issues that trigger them. And whenever these issue suitcases are triggered, they get heavier.

But then there is the promise of faith. Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see, right? So if I hope for a resolution to these issue suitcases, I am gonna have to set the suitcases down. Because if God intends to give me good things (as I believe He does) then I can't receive them if I am schlepping suitcases around. Can I get an Amen? I have to let go of my suitcases full of issues. In fact, I have to toss them away, let them fall open, and let all my issues come flying out. I can't get what I want if I am clinging to what I have. Taking control over my own issues and trying to “fix” them just won't work. If I let go, then I can receive what God would have for me.

In order to receive the things I want, I have to let go of the things I carry.

What are you tired of carrying around?

Notes from a technidiot

Okay, so here I am at the technology in education conference. It is in Copper Mountain which is stinkin pretty. I am sitting outdoors, watching the rock climbers on the climbing tower. There is this little kid starting up. He is a little spider-man, climbing climbing. He stops, shaking, holding onto the rope, saying "I'm done, I wanna come down." But the guides are great, they hear him, they give a tip, "there's a great handhold to your right," and the kid finds the wall again and keeps on climbing.

I feel the same about technology in the classroom. I thought when I played Oregon Trail and Lemonade Stand on my dad's old Apple IIe in the 80's (with 5" floppy disks, MENU and RUN GO) I was more technology-savvy than most of my friends at the time. But technology got away from me somehow. I lost my edge. Suddenly there were gadgets, devices and software that I had never heard of. It all is supposed to increase efficiency in the classroom, but how would I know that? We don't even have formal training in my school for the gadgets that we do have. And as a teacher I am not too keen on adding more job descriptors to my title.

Then I remember that great routine by Louis CK. If you haven't seen it, or don't know what I am talking about, you can look at it here. Everything is amazing right now and nobody's happy. Teaching is an amazing place to be right now and I want to embrace the good stuff. I came up with a few plans to implement next year; a wiki for my class, keeping up with my moodle, doing online weekly writing prompts, podcasting students' commentaries. There is a lot to do and I think the best way to tackle it is one step at a time. I want to believe in the amazing, not be embittered by the unfamiliar.

I need a personal assisstant.

I have learned something about myself in these first three weeks of summer. I need a schedule, but not just any schedule. Anyone can have a "schedule". I can schedule a time for watching People's Court, or doing the jumble, or napping, or watching my cats napping. I think I need an assistant who will plan stuff for me to do, set an agenda for the day, something for me to follow.

Having free time is kinda crappy for one who's sole aim in life is to procrastinate. My problem lies in the transition moments. I can work out every day, but then I hem and haw and stretch and yawn and two hours later I still haven't gotten in the shower. What is up with that? If I had an assistant, let's call her Vera, then I would have someone tell me when is workout time and when is shower time. Otherwise I will work out, find out that Susan Sarandon is on the View in half an hour and gee, I would really like to see what ol Susan has been up to and then I can do 30 extra minutes on the rowing machine and who cares about time anyway because it is summer and where do I have to be later, that big line at the DMV? You see my point? No structure. No rules.

I do get out of the house. Occasionally I will have a date or engagement or thing to do during the day, but the meantime has been filled with unproductive, mindless nonsense. Vera would keep me in line, I think.

California here we come, right back where we started from...

I haven't blogged in a while. When school was out I went into a hibernation that involved catching up on my netflix, knitting, and trying to build a nap into every day's schedule. And then I went to California for a vacation and discovered a blissed out serenity and contentment that I haven't had since I was 19. Let me share it with you.



I spent two days staring at the ocean in San Clemente. I was detoxing my brain from all the muck and clogs that just didn't get cleared out during the school year. And while I was staring out at the ocean, its constant movement and gentle waves, I felt this very clear peace. It was the kind of contentment that comes with being comfortable with who I am, where I am, what I am doing and what the future holds. It was amazing. How many of us get to feel that... or the better question, how hard is it to get into a place where we can accept that feeling?

It was as though all the stuff I hang onto when I am stressed out... the pulling hair out just to have something to clutch in my hands feeling... was gone. I was able to extend my fingers out and feel free of those clutches. The security blankets I know and love can sometimes keep me from being confident, feeling loved, and experiencing peace. In California I was able to let go. And in that moment, I felt content. The freedom that comes with that is intimidating, because you still have to face the dark corners. But there is such freedom in knowing that you can face the dark corners without your security blanket. I am trying to pursue the moment... each and every one I find this summer.

Solitude

I just read this last night and it perfectly describes how I am feeling right now... frustrated, angsty, and worst of all... lonely. And it struck me how loneliness is such a trap. It is all perspective. How do we see the cup? Well, I see the empty cup a little too much. I want to practice solitude.

"All human beings are alone. No other person will completely feel like we do, think like we do, act like we do. Each of us is unique, and our aloneness is the other side of our uniqueness. The question is whether we let our aloneness become loneliness or whether we allow it to lead us into solitude. Loneliness is painful; solitude is peaceful. Loneliness makes us cling to others in desperation; solitude allows us to respect others in their uniqueness and create community.

Letting our aloneness grow into solitude and not into loneliness is a lifelong struggle. It requires conscious choices about whom to be with, what to study, how to pray, and when to ask for counsel. But wise choices will help us to find the solitude where our hearts can grow in love."

--Henri Nouwen

Sounds like I have homework to do. :-)

Summah summah summah tiiiime

I am starting to think about what I want to do this summer. The list is growing; trips to the west coast, conferences, prep for a new class, etc. etc. What about the fun things like writing and producing my first album or watching every Katherine Hepburn movie? I think summer should be a balance of play and work. I will have work this summer, that is just a fact, but I think I can also set my mind to more fun goals. My worry, however, is that I won't have the drive and volition to meet these goals if I don't have a daily schedule. I always want to do so much but then end up sitting outside reading a pile of cheesy books.

What are you going to do this summer? What is on your list? How will you make time to get it done? This may be moot for those of you with jobs this summer, and if this blog entry causes you pain, I am so sorry. But I want to know how to make three (actually 2 and a half) months stretch into a summer to remember.

I'm mad as hell... and I'm not gonna take it anymore...

These are the questions that plague me as I stagger to the end of the year;

• A) Why do students feel a sense of entitlement about life?
• B) Why is it so hard for students to assume responsibility for things they have done wrong... even when there is overwhelming evidence that they have done something wrong?
• C) Why is conflict resolution so difficult for students to master?

I have a theory about this actually. I think that some students are scared for the next step in their journey and they don't feel ready to be adults. That is a bummer. Graduation and all that comes after it is the big adventure. It is hard to embrace that. Sheeeewt, I was gonna go to the University of Oregon until I realized that I would actually have to leave Colorado to do it. I remember being scared, and I think in some ways I still am scared of the next chapter. But these students seem ambivalent to the outcome of their choices. I knew that I would find my way eventually, but what do these students see in their future? Do they see the hope of a job that utilizes their prime talents and skills? Do they see the ability to own a home and have health insurance? Do they see love, family, happiness?

This is a lot of question-y stuff. This has been a tough day and I am just mostly venting and trying to find an answer to something that may not be answerable. But I am really tired of not asking the big questions. I think I have become complacent to the smoldering issues because I am too tired to fight the fire. Let it burn itself out. OR--do I start seeking out ways to make things fireproof?

Gah... big questions that mostly stem from anger... good or bad thing?? :-)

acceptance, validation, and twitter

So I want to be accepted. I want people to validate me. I have lately seen my fevered pitch for acceptance come to a head on Twitter. Now I think that there are three types of people on the twitter; those who follow, those who are followed, and those who try to do both. It has been interesting to be followed by people I don't know and I get addicted to my little "following". And then there are those I follow, like Jimmy Fallon, Diablo Cody and Eddie Izzard. Secretly, I want Eddie Izzard to follow me, find me hilarious, and then ask me to open for him on his next tour.

Which leads me to what I think everyone wants, no one is satisfied by, and what God kinda busted me out* about last week. I was lamenting that I didn't have more followers and wondering why and kinda feeling all mopey. I heard God's voice very clearly say to me, "why are you seeking acceptance?" and I thought about it and told God that everyone wants to feel validated and loved and accepted. Then I heard the voice again, "when will you finally feel accepted?" and I told God that if people like me then I can be more confident, der. Then I heard the voice again, "You have a hard time believing that I accept you and that I love you and I am God. What could people give you that I haven't already offered?"

I kinda felt like an idiot. I mean, I can barely accept myself sometimes. The validation we receive from others is wonderful, but flawed. It always runs out, it never reaches the deepest parts of our soul's longing and it is asking for acceptance from people who are equally as insecure. I need to remember where my ultimate acceptance and validation comes from... THEN I can accept the love and validation that others offer without wanting them to fulfill some deep need.

Does this make sense? I wanted to get this blog out and into the cosmos. The following verse from Hebrews really stood out to me last week;

So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. For in just a very little while, "He who is coming will come and will not delay. But my righteous one will live by faith. And if he shrinks back, I will not be pleased with him."But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who believe and are saved. Hebrews 10:35-39.

I hope you have a great week and that you feel validated and accepted and FOLLOWED by the one who loved you first, and I hope that validation fills your soul. Happy Holy Week!


*to "bust one out" is a technical term which means bring to attention or suggest an alternate course of action. :-)

Finishing a good book...

I just finished Madame Bovary which I am kinda surprised I got through, actually. It is a good book, but not much really happens. It has a lot of description, a lot of emotional complexity and a lot of "thinking person's sex" (i.e. you may read right over the good bits without knowing they were good bits).

What intrigued me about this book was Emma Bovary herself. Here is a woman who is caught up in a marriage she didn't really understand (I can't imagine she was the only woman ever to have gone through that). Anyway, she has two major affairs that leave her devastated and broken, and spends enough money to make Marie Antoinette jealous and meets a rather tragic (and grotesquely drawn out) end. But Flaubert lets the reader decide whether Emma is good or bad. Is she a victim of her circumstances, or a woman without conscience?

Well, it is an interesting book. And it made me think of all the books that I have read and loved at points in my life. Here is a list of the highlights:

• Angle of Repose by Wallace Stegner. I read this book in college and loved it. The subject matter didn't initially appeal to me; Colorado history, mining, engineering, yadda yadda. But the way Wallace Stegner writes is so lovely. His descriptions of Leadville and the mining boom were so precise. He makes writing look effortless. There are places in that book that I can still picture in my mind. Excellent.
• By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept Paolo Cohelo. This book is hard to explain as are most of Cohelo's books. It is about a woman, a river in Spain, a man and taking risks. I read it before I went to Spain and although I did not find this river, Spain feels like this book.
  
• Crime and Punishment Fyodor Dostoyevsky. We read this in AP English my senior year of high school. I was captivated by the way Dostoyevsky wrote about moral conflict and the hard, icky questions of life. Again, not a book that would initially appeal, but I will never forget the scene when Raskolnikov kills his landlady. Hard to get into, but you will feel smarter after you read it.
• The Time Traveller's Wife Audrey Nifenegger (sp?). Is this a sci-fi book? Is this a romance? I think this is a beautiful love story that addresses not only the complexity of a relationship, but the added complexity of having a partner who time travels without warning. What controls his sudden jumps in time? How does he survive? One scene that stands out is when Claire takes Henry (the time traveler) to a party and he talks about music that he likes. It is one of those banal kind of scenes that actually says a lot. Sadly... tragically... obnoxiously...they are making a movie of it. With Eric Bana. Sigh.
• The Book Thief Markus Zusak. This is a book that all the students coming into my class have to read the summer before sophomore year. It another hard story to get into, but you will weep when you unpeel the layers of Liesel's life. It is about World War II and a girl who steals books. Read it with a box of kleenex, you'll need it.
• Outlander Diana Gabaldon. Okay, this is not for everyone. Scottish time travel historical romance. You won't skip over the good bits in this one ;-) It has mystery, romance, battles, passion, men in kilts... super cheesy fun. If Crime and Punishment is Grandmama's hearty beef stew, then this is a corndog from the mall.
• Persuasion Jane Austen. This is my favorite Jane Austen story. Anne Elliot should be a spinster at 27, but instead she gets a second chance at love and learns in the process of pining about herself and the measure of her own strength. Captain Wentworth's letter to her at the end is particularly compelling.

I think this list could be a lot longer, and I may think of some and add them later. But what about you? What is one book you will never forget?

I can fix everything that is wrong with education... really.

Okay, I can't fix everything that is wrong with education, but I had an epiphany over the weekend about being a teacher and maybe it can help. Sometimes I feel like a good teacher and sometimes I feel like someone is going to come in and tell me that I am a total fraud. But I have always felt as a teacher that I am purposeful and useful. I know that teaching is my calling (as much as I fought it). When I saw this video on The Rubber Room I became incensed and saddened that teachers are on the front lines of the war on public education. Some teachers need to be replaced, but no teacher deserves to be ignored.

Back to my epiphany... I think we can make it better, we can ALL take part in making education free and fair and challenging for ALL students. Not only do I think we can be a part of this change, I think we MUST be a part of it. Education impacts EVERYONE, not just teachers, students or people who make pencil sharpeners.

Here is my list of ideas (I am a ridiculous idealist... be warned). These ideas seem easy to implement and can build on what is already in place. I would love to hear your thoughts...

Relational teaching--I was a Young Life leader about a million years ago and what I learned from Young Life changed the way I teach. I was in relational ministry in YL. Instead of standing on corners or participating in debates, we as leaders would build relationships with students and share the gospel experientially. This is what makes teaching so valuable for me. I build relationships with my students; I try to come along side them and see where they are specifically. My understanding of where they are allows me to a) assess them more specifially and b) make them feel okay about asking for help.

Communication--I think every time a school board or administration doesn't communicate the whole picture to teachers, parents or kids, it breeds distrust between those entities. I am a grownup, I can handle tough news. There should be open communication between all parties so that people can feel valued. That also involves listening critically and knowing how to be an engaged listener.

Being PROactive instead of REactive--I am shocked at how much of what kills public education is a reaction to something. A big reaction. Like someone's hair is on fire. Once the fire is out, there is no discussion of what started the fire. Why is that? I learned how to teach by backwards planning (plan the assessment, then plan back from that) so why don't we do that for the problems that plague our schools? This might be a loaded question, but I do think schools need to be proactive instead of always reacting to the problems that plague us.

That is the list so far. What do you think will help?

Hope comes with patience

“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions”-- Rainer Marie Rilke

So I was thinking about my last post and about hope and what my problem really is. I have hope in a great number of things; the return of the great Broncos, the fact that I will see Scotland someday, and that someday, somewhere, I will meet Matt Damon. It is easy to hope for those things because they are remote and removed from my deeper, more pressing heart issues.

The things that I hope for more closely seem to have an urgency about them. This sucks. The pain of living by God's timeline in 2009 is the contrary nature of instant gratification and the fact that God just doesn't work that way. We live in an instantaneous society. If we are hungry, we eat something out of our pantry. If we need five facts about Ghandi, we can google it. We live in a society designed for convenience. And in the same way, I think my patience level for the promises of hope has run out. I want it NOW, dammit. (Veruca Salt)

These larger heart issues that I bring to God daily are not easy to hold onto, but neither are they easy to resolve. I believe (sometimes) that God will fulfill the promises he has made me, but I also feel that it requires more from me than just a wish and a prayer. In yearning, in pressing after these longings, I find that God is continually wanting me to be PATIENT. Do I even know how to practice patience? Apparently, (I didn't know this) the word patience in ancient Greek comes from two words meaning literally "far away" and "anger". If I think about impatience as holding onto anger, I don't really want to be impatient. But being patient (like my mom, give her a good book and she could wait for anything) and practicing patience are two different things. I think practicing patience requires us to do a couple things:

• Don't give up on what you hope for--don't just set it aside and pretend like you never wanted it just because it hasn't happened the way you wanted it to (yeah, I didn't even want to meet Matt Damon, whatever).
• Recognize your perspective--if you are telling tales in your head about why it hasn't happened or why you aren't getting what you want, recognize that you are telling a story, and that you can write really good stories in your head (my friends hate me right now because I said something to offend them and now they think I am Lame-o Mc Loserton).
  
• Especially recognize any stories you tell yourself that involve rejection, jealousy, or fears--these are totally unproductive and just plain mean. Those stories will bring you down like a stone.
  
• Identify the facts--if you are telling stories, then what is the truth? What do you know for sure? What is the word telling you?

More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.-- Romans 5:3-5

• Wait actively--don't let the waiting consume you. I am really bad at this. I get fixated on something and then like Gollum, I go towards it fiercely. "We wants the new patio chair..." "we needs a new, precious crockpot..." well, you get the idea. Waiting actively requires that you keep the hope in mind, but that you recognize what you already have. As Sheryl Crow sings, "Its not having what you want, but wanting what you've already got".
  

There may be something so pressing on your heart that you don't think you can wait another minute to possess it. But God is doing work in the waiting. I always have to recognize this when I am at my lowest point as I am usually totally dense about what God is trying to do. I am trying to practice patience today, but I am sure tomorrow I will have to read this again and remember again.

“Let nothing disturb thee; Let nothing dismay thee; All thing pass; God never changes. Patience attains All that it strives for. He who has God Finds he lacks nothing: God alone suffices.” St. Teresa of Avila

The Theological Importance of Castaway

Castaway is on tonight. I love this movie. The reason I started a blog is just so I can talk about this movie. Am I obsessed? Well... who isn't obsessed with Tom Hanks' natural charm and talent?

Seriously, I believe that God speaks to me through this movie. It has all the big ideas of Christianity; forgiveness, salvation, redemption, freedom, and my favorite... fellowship. How does this movie convey so much? I think part of it is in the silent, lonely meditation that Chuck, the main character, has to go through in order to find himself. It is through the forced loneliness that he discovers his will to survive and live. And also through that loneliness he finds that he cannot live without his Wilson. He creates a relationship and that relationship becomes so important. I always cry when he loses Wilson. I cry when he realizes that Kelly can't love him anymore. I cry when the only sound he hears is waves. There is something so awesome about the drive to keep living when all other hope is lost.

I think no other scene demonstrates this more than the scene when Chuck talks to his friend about why Kelly saved him on the island. He knows that the thought of Kelly kept him alive and that he was meant to live. And even though he couldn't be with Kelly, he knew she saved him. He had to keep breathing, keep living, keep spearing fish. Then one day, this port-a-potty wall came floating up onto the beach and he knew he had a sail and the means to get off the island.

Anne Lamott said two things about hope that I am clinging to right now. They are written on my mirror and etched into my consciousness...

“Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don't give up.”

“When hope is not pinned wriggling onto a shiny image or expectation, it sometimes floats forth and opens.”

We aren't always forced into deserted island situations, but we often feel like we are on a deserted island. That is when I believe God comes into our lives and reminds us that we keep breathing, we keep living, we keep loving others. This day, this perfect day, is exactly what God means for us right now. There may not be a boat on the horizon and there may not be a rescue near in sight, but the sun continues to rise and set, we continue to breathe and live and love. Who knows what the tide will bring tomorrow.

I AdOregon.

I just got my latest issue of Oregon Home. It is a magazine I have been addicted to for a long time. As I read it, I sit around drinking Stash tea, eating hazelnuts and dreaming of my own Oregon home. My mom grew up in NE Portland and now has retired to SW Portland which is wonderful because going is like a vacation, but also like going home.

I have been visiting the rose city since I was 6 months old, spending summers at my Gramma Mae's house playing lawn darts with my cousins, picking raspberries for my breakfast, and watching ice skaters at the Lloyd Center. People have asked me what I like about visiting Oregon... I should say people from Colorado wonder why on earth anyone would go hang out in the rain. Well as my mom says, I am a different person when I am in Oregon. Time moves slower, people smile more, and I feel at home. And I think after reading this list, you will consider a trip to Ol' Orygun;

1. It smells green--ferns, daffodils on the side of the highway, and that smell of wet cedar bark.. it seems like it is always spring in Oregon.


2. They have Trader Joe's--peanut butter filled, chocolate covered pretzels... nuff said


3. The Columbia Gorge--I used to love driving past Hood River and watching the windsurfers. Now I like hiking into these grotto-like waterfalls... it is Gorge-ous (ha ha ha, okay I will stop)


4. Powell's--der, but I like the annex in Beaverton best, it is not as charmingly stuffy (i.e. claustrophobic) as the one downtown. Also the guys who work in Beavo are cute.


5. The two Asian Gardens--the Japanese garden especially, so wooded and quiet, then you stumble upon the awesome tree-framed view of Portland.


6. Local Ocean--The best seafood on the coast. Mom and I eat there EVERY night when we are in Newport. Sit at the bar and watch them cook, or have a conversation (as I did) with the local fishermen who stock the place daily. Fish so fresh it'll slap ya.


7. The architecture in Portland--Drive around a bit, especially in Ladd's Edition--lots of great Craftsman homes and cottages, great walking place, particularly when the roses are in bloom... lovely.


8. They have IKEA--It actually feels like walking into Sweden. My mom had no idea what it was when it first arrived in PDX, now she goes weekly just to drool at the organized closet systems.


9. Nye Beach--my mecca, the pilgrimage happens twice a year. Sylvia has always put me up with peace, quiet and love, thank you Sylvia!!


10. The Minestrone soup at Amalfi's--We used to get family pizza from Amalfi's (canadian bacon and pineapple, cut into squares) and then one day mom and I stopped in there for some soup one afternoon. It was so good we got a pint to take home.


11. Rain--hello, it rains there and when you are from the high plains of CO, rain looks pretty good every now and again.


12. The Otis Cafe--Noah, the great pie guy, has left the Otis, but they still have good eats on the way to the beach. (Top secret... Noah used twice the amount of Marionberries in his pies...they weighed 20 pounds :-)


13. Silver Falls State Park--Go on a hike on a hot day and see 7-10 waterfalls.


14. Kennedy School--My mom actually went to Kennedy School when it was a school. Now it is a monument to McMennamin's development strategies. Tater Tots, the Brewer's Salad, and a pint of Ruby... the perfect meal


15. Visiting my family--You may not intentionally go to hang out with my family, but if you go, I will probably direct you towards a member of my family. My mom has been a tour guide for my friends and my aunt and uncle have even put a few up.

Well if you can't go to Oregon soon, then click on all my links and take a virtual tour. Bon Voyage!

High School Newspaper... Obsolete??

The Rocky Mountain News closed this week and it has made me think about things. Bud (the teacher) posted a very nice farewell video on his blog here. I found that it was nice to live in a two-paper town. There aren't many two paper towns anymore, and since we have every nationally recognized sport has a team in Denver, it seemed only right to have at least two papers to cover them all.

In the same vein I have been thinking a lot about our own high school newspaper, which I have advised for the last three years and which I am quitting next year. It is a thankless job. I end up herding cats and trying to make high school students understand the value of reporting a good story. At the same time I have to teach them layout, selling ads, editing, etc. They are overwhelmed with all my badgering and then they see the fruits of their labor scattered through the hallways and in the trash bins. With each issue they lose a little more of the tenuous "His Girl Friday" gumption they came into newspaper with.

And we just don't get very much support. It is like there is a rule somewhere that schools have to have sports teams, a yearbook, functional bathrooms and a newspaper. No reason why, it just has to have one. But there has never been any standards, any requirements or any mission for the newspaper as it exists. I have asked and pleaded with so many other teachers, not just English teachers to take up the mantle next year. No one wants it which is so disheartening.

I have had many hard talks with Sydney, the one returning senior next year. She looks at me on the verge of tears when I talk to her about what it will be like or what it could be like. She is not an idealist, but she doesn't want newspaper to just disappear. I don't either. But I don't want to see the students compromise good writing for fluff, or see them over-sensationalize news in order to get higher readership. All that said--I am not a layout teacher, I am not technologically savvy enough to put the whole thing online, I am so tired of scraping money together and I am really tired of being the last person to see and send off a newspaper that the students should have total ownership over.

A couple years ago I went to the "seminar" for newspaper advisers. I was new and looking forward to the challenge of taking on a new class. I gained nothing from those three days but how to forget my other classes and other professional obligations and devote all my time and energy and effort to a class that isn't assessed by CSAP. It was like a secret society of teachers who had lost their minds. None of those advisers convinced me that newspaper is valuable or enriching to students. They only managed to convince me that it had to stay alive and young teachers like me were just the people to do it.

Do students need a voice? Yes. Should it be a student-run publication? Yes. WHAT SHOULD THAT LOOK LIKE??? This, my dear friends, is the million-dollar question. In three years I haven't figured it out and now I am done, but that doesn't mean I have stopped caring about it. What do you think? Is print media on its way out? Why should high school students have a newspaper? Who should teach it? How should it be supported?

This American Life...

I have loved This American Life ever since I heard David Sedaris recite a very strange Christmas story about farm animals. I don't know what it is, but it sucks me in, holds me down, and like a deer in the headlights, I am frozen in time. I have to confess I am a little behind on the podcasts because I haven't had an hour to sit and listen while staring into space.

But last night I was hypnotized by the show. I rented the Tudors, season 2, and after the last episode (Anne Boleyn gets the ax... hope I didn't give anything away) I scanned the special features for good extras. There it was... a preview episode of This American Life, the TV version. I had to peek. I had seen a preview of the first season on another disc, probably the Tudors season 1. After watching that sneak peek, I immediately put it on my Netflix queue. Lately it has been stuck behind Battlestar Galactica and Dexter (priorities, people). The peek was about this man who sets up tableaux of Biblical scenes and then paints them. The guy who played Jesus was awesome, dealing with his own issues around religion, having a girlfriend and maintaining an appropriately long beard. It was funny and weird and just like the radio show, I was hooked in.

The episode I watched last night was even better. It was all about escaping. The story it featured was about this 27 year-old man, Mike Phillips who is confined to a wheelchair and uses a computer to speak and write and maintain an awesome blog. I was so drawn into his story. How he met his girlfriend, why he wants his ceiling painted black and who he would want to be his voice (Johnny Depp, by the way). This kid is far from disabled. He is cogent, aware and fascinatingly real; it just takes him three minutes to communicate one sentence.

The way Ira Glass told his story is just so wonderful. This American Life is all about story; something that may seem mundane or removed suddenly becomes close. Watching that last night made me a) move the first season up to first place in my queue, and b) consider the way I tell a story. I think of that great scene in "Out of Africa" where Meryl Streep's character sits down and tells an epic story after Robert Redford provides the first line. I wish I could do that. Where do I get stuck telling my story? What about you? What is your story and do you feel like you tell it well?

I am a teacher, and I kill reading and writing

I have been teaching for nine years. That seems like a long time to me. And all the requisite things that prove I am a teacher are in place: I have a masters' degree in education, I own a large quantity of books about teaching, I know who Maria Montano-Harmon is, I have various sizes of sticky notes and many colors of dry erase markers--it seems like I should have this thing down. Right?

Well I thought I had it sorta down... then my friend Eric sent me a link to this book..."Readicide; How Schools are Killing Books and What You Can Do About it" I was discouraged to say the least. Have I been guilty of killing a good book? Well, I think I have only been capable of killing books that should have died long ago. So there.

And then this report from my friend Bud encouraged me; Kathleen Blake Yancey's call to support 21st century writing. It talks about the history and evolution of writing. Why do we write? How do we teach writing to people who by necessity have been writing for years (hint: I think writing teachers have change from teaching to coaching)? It is encouraging to think that education is on the cusp of something new and challenging that includes the technology already in place, allowing students to build on something new.

But as a teacher, am I ready to accept the challenge? I have all this technology, but is it working for the benefit of my students or against it? I think that I operate at about 60% of my capacity as a teacher. Where is that other 40%? And is that 40% the part that includes innovating curriculum by using the technology I have? I have a feeling the 40% is mired down in all the things I have to do. It seems like this year I have fewer students but more hoop-jumping.

Maybe this is all just the February slump and maybe I should just not worry too much about it. But then why would I blog about it?

Don't fear the writing

My students are scared, no-- mortified of something so heinous and repugnant that they can barely speak its name... their own writing.

I remember when I was a senior in high school. It was Mrs. Mitchell's AP English class and we had to write a paper on Hamlet. She gave a good two weeks to write the essay, but of course I wrote it the night before it was due. It was back in the stone ages, when paper was printed on reams that had the feeder dots on each side. Each time I would print a paper, I had to a) spend ten minutes disconnecting and collating the papers and b) remove these silly dotted ream-feeders that eventually got wrapped around my fingers and became curly-qs. So here is my point, I was tearing off those silly things and I chanced to look at this epic essay written a mere 12 hours earlier. I had five type-os on the first page alone. I got that sinking pit stomach feeling. I realized I couldn't change anything about it. I got the paper back a couple weeks later and the type-os were the least of my problems.

Procrastination and fear are two separate things. I procrastinate lots, its my way. But my students not only procrastinate, they don't revise or self-edit. Is this because they do it at the last minute? They just don't have the time? Maybe, but they do this in timed writings as well. I will give them 30 minutes to write an essay, and they will finish in 15, then they will place the essay on the furthest corner of their desk, put down their heads, and sleep. When did sleeping become more important than self-reflection?

My theory is that none of us WANT to self-reflect. Why is that? Are we afraid to self-reflect? Are we afraid of what we will find?

Te echo de menos España

It has been 10 years since I lived in Granada. Here are the ten things I miss the most;

1. Kissing on both cheeks: a very nice greeting when you especially liked the person you were meeting ;-)
2. Cafe con Leche: coffee was richer in Spain, and velvety. And the milk... you can't be lactose intolerant in Spain... no way.
   
3. Walking everywhere: I walked to school, I walked to see friends, you could just get lost in your own walking thoughts.
4. The gardens of Carmen de los Martires; up by the Alhambra, there were these public gardens. Walking through them, you could always hear water trickling in a fountain somewhere. Nice corners for sitting and staring into space.
5. My host family: They were the sweetest people ever. I was so vulnerable when I arrived in Granada and they treated me as their own. My host mother called me "hija de mi vida". I haven't kept in touch with them and I am so bummed about that.
   
6. Jamon serrano: Giant pig legs hanging in butcher shops seemed off-putting at first, then you had a taste of some when you got tapas. Yah. Best served with bread drizzled with olive oil, and a tomato rubbed on it. I am actually drooling now. You can't be a vegetarian in Spain... no way.
   
7. Barcelona: Yes, I lived in Granada, but Barcelona was this giant city that felt like a small town. I can't recommend it enough.
8. The teterias in Al Albaicin: these Moorish teahouses on a crooked little street in the Albaicin. They smelled like incense and had the sweetest Chai. We sat on cushions on the floor, so great.
9. Chocolate filled criossants: while walking, you pass by a panaderia and this waft of chocolate and bread assaults you, pins you down and takes your money. Well, they weren't that violent but they were irresistible.
10. Siesta: hey, it is 2:30, you have just finished an amazing meal, time for a nap!

Lars and the Real Girl

After watching this movie "Lars and the Real Girl" I am fantastically aware of how hard it is to connect to others. People struggle so much with the feeling that they (we?) are too inadequate to be loved for our authentic selves and yet we want more than anything to feel validated for who we really are.

What I loved about this movie was the idea that this man couldn't deal with the issues in his real life so he manifested a new life with a lifelike doll. I will admit that I have dreamed of falling in love with Matt Damon or being interviewed on Oprah (for my epic novel fyi) and while I don't think I need those things to function, I wonder why they surface. As my friend Eric commented in another posting, wanting big changes may just be a manifestation of something we aren't really dealing with. In the same way, the fantasy life may be a manifestation of something undealt with.

Is it possible that all the addictions and distractions (the fantasy) we maintain in our lives keep us safe, but ultimately out of the danger of being truly happy? I love Kenny Rogers' song "The Gambler" but I think he had it a little wrong. You gotta know when to hold 'em, sure, but I think you also gotta know that you are your own worst enemy sometimes. Sometimes you have to risk it in order to win big. There are no guarantees, sadly. And maybe that isn't so sad. Maybe we should embrace a life of no guarantees and embrace the craziness that life brings us anyway.

You need a little Kenny today?

the flu as metaphor?

So I am home sick from school today. I keep wondering if it is a metaphor for something. Is getting sick the body's way of rebooting? I have been thinking about some major changes in my life. Specifically looking at changes in the way I operate. I am a character of habit and routine, and once I get into a routine that works, it becomes monotonous.

Today I broke out of my routine. I did small things outside of what I normally do when I am home sick. I read more instead of vegging out. I sat in a different room than I usually sit in. I suppose the hope is that these little things will eventually lead to larger changes. It is hard for me to make the big changes, so will these little changes in routine make a difference?

Big picture; I hope to change my eating habits, my workout routine, my use of free time, and my use of work time. Those are all BIG things, any advice on how to make big changes happen?

procrastinators get it done.... eventually

So this morning, a few cups of coffee down, yesterday's paper finished (great article about M. Ward in the Times) and a Rock Hudson/ Doris Day movie I had never seen, I now contemplate having a day off and time stretching ruthlessly before me. This inevitably happens on my days off; it is about noon before I get to my actual list which involves a whole load of things I don't want to do.

What inevitably happens is nothing productive or good. I may get my laundry folded, I may work on my lesson plans for the next day, and I may work out. But when one is given the gift of free time, how is it supposed to be spent? I get this feeling that I am supposed to be the Martha Stewart of productivity. I am supposed to make all my meals for the week and expertly freeze them, clean the house top to bottom, lesson plan the rest of the semester, catch up on all my bedside reading, find the answer to world peace, and still have time to host a dinner party for 12.

Instead, this morning I am downloading a bunch of free music picks from Starbucks, playing some online scrabble, and generally waiting for that burst of inspired energy to smack me upside the head.

Teaching is a profession riddled with guilty feelings. I do have some teacher friends who are so very good about maintaining their diligent work ethic. My friend Amy always plans a reward for her work. "If I grade 20 papers, I can go swimming." I practice the reverse; "If I go swimming, I can always grade those last 20 papers when I get back". I call this the Scarlett O'Hara philosophy of life. Tomorrah is (after all) anothah day... (eyes batting hopefully). Why put off today what you can eventually put off tomorrow?

I blame my father mostly for this philosophy. When he was a teacher, he would save all the papers collected during the quarter and then grade them all about two days before grades were due. He would sit at the TV, watching old episodes of Nova and grading each paper with unintelligible comments and symbols that only he could understand.

And even now, as I look at the clock, I see that it is 12:30 and oh, how the guilt bubbles to the surface of my consciousness. I have to do two things; a) have grace for the part of me that wants to surf YouTube all day and b) be really disciplined about limiting the things that suck the most time out of my life.

It all seems to be about motivation. I don't know if I can train myself to be more motivated about the things I don't want to do. Motivation isn't something you can make grow, it has to develop on its own. But maybe I can plant more seeds of motivation in my garden.

the start of something crazy

Hello,

I am feeling a little crazy for starting a blog, but I think I have things to say. I hope to post my reflections on my teaching practice as well as my reflections on my spiritual growth and renewal. I think that those things are intertwined. It is my life after all, hard to compartmentalize what is all interconnected.

Just a start, I will post more later, but my friend just brought me some killer salsa. It is the perfect blend of spicy and sweetness... oh yeah.

peace out.