A good question...

The Summer Day

Mary Oliver

Who made the world?
Who made the swan, and the black bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean-
the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down-
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.
I don't know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?

from New and Selected Poems, 1992
Beacon Press, Boston, MA

In my other life... I was a dowager countess

I love Downton Abbey.  As the second season came to a close last night, and as I scour twitter for news of the current seasons' filming, I am sad and yet hopelessly caught in the world that Julian Fellowes has created.  Damn good television. 

Let Love Rule

Mmmyeah, remember how I said I'm gonna live in the last post?  Well, I think it is happening.  Life is happening and I am in the thick of it.  First of all, I won two tickets on the radio to see Lenny Kravitz from the 2nd row.  I touched Lenny.  I shook his hand.  He dripped a wee bit of Lenny sweat on me.  For reals.

It started as a fairly innocuous week.  I mean, I'm behind on grading and I started some new units with my students, but other than that, it's been about getting back into a routine.  And then, I called KBCO and I actually got through and I guessed the correct Lenny Kravitz songs and I won.  And then I had to go to school and tell all my students.

Most of them didn't know who Lenny Kravitz was... they do now. 

It was amazing.  He rocked the older songs, he killed the new songs, he crowd surfed to a group of women who were my mom's age and then told the crowd he liked "vintage" ladies.  He charmed us all. 

And for two hours, we were present with him.  It was a moment extended.  It was real and vivid and FIERCE. 

So what do I take away?  Other than a teeshirt, a used guitar pick, and much happiness, I take away the feeling that anything is possible.  I have no idea what may come my way tomorrow, but I HOPE it is something good, and if it isn't then try for the next day.  The truth is that we need so little, everything else is a gift.

Thank you, Lenny.  I loved it!

I'm gonna live.

The other night I had a life-coaching session from my friend Anna.  She isn't actually a life coach, she's just nosy and bossy (with love).  And I didn't invite her over to coach me, I invited her over for a drink and some nibbles.  She came over at 4:30 and left at 11:00.  Yeah, it was like that.  I've had some messiness in my life recently (see January post) and I've been trying to get through it, and it being February and a new month and all, I've been trying to make a fresh start.  But making a fresh start doesn't just happen.  It is a process of little changes that we have to do.  A house doesn't just appear, it is built, you know? 

These changes have come with a lot of self-reflection.  There are some big questions I don't want to ask myself but won't find the answers to unless I ask the questions.... did that make sense?  Questions like; what am I afraid of?  What do I really want?  What do I value?  How do I view myself?  It is rather easy to toss those questions over the shoulder like some spilled salt and deal with them later.  It is way too hard to actually think about.

The truth is that I have some pretty scary monsters under my bed and in my closet.  They make themselves quite comfortable and then they keep me up at night.  They keep me down, you know?   They tell me how unattractive or pathetic or awful I am and I have finally said enough.  I have let them stay way too long.  I feel like Kaylee in "Serenity" (yes, I am a syfy nerdgirl) when the whole crew is pinned back by reevers, and Simon finally tells her his one regret is not being with her.  She says this great line, "To hell with this, I'm gonna live."  That is exactly how I feel.  Bring on life, I am ready to toss the monsters out of the house.

Under the Tuscan Sun

No, I haven't moved to Italy.  But I did visit Tuscany this evening when I watched the movie "Under the Tuscan Sun".  Ugh, don't hate me, but I love this movie a lot.  It has wisdom that resonates with me.  I see it and am inspired to live, write, eat and be.  Some of the things I've learned from the movie:

• Build the railroad, then the train will come
• Don't search for ladybugs, they will find you
• Just because it doesn't look exactly like what you wished for, it doesn't mean your wish hasn't come true
• Be generous with your time and love and cooking skills
• Real, wonderful, fulfilling love exists
• Keep your childish innocence
• Italian men say the darndest things!