I was talking about this with dear Kara yesterday and as I told her all that I had been bitchin about, I noticed that my blood pressure was rising and I was getting angry. Really angry... UP-IN-ARMS kind of angry about this laundry list of blargh. But that anger was really about something else. It is easy to stand in judgment over others, period. We do it all the time. It is really easy to turn off my judgy filter when I am scared or conflicted or hurt or fearful. Well, I am scared, conflicted, hurt and fearful. The journey my aunt is on is scary for all of us. Pancreatic cancer is a bully. And knowing my aunt is not herself, is in any kind of pain, is alone is beyond my coping skill set right now. My family is stoic, quiet, and persevering while I am emotionally turbulent, loud, and ready to throw in the towel. I want to go get this done. I want to take care of her. I want to stand up to cancer like Gandalf to the Shadowfax and say "YOU SHALL NOT PASS".
So that was January. Now Tuesday is the first of February, and February is about love and all that shit. Stoopid love. Love comes in and heals what is wounded. Love is intolerant of judgment. Great. I guess then February is going to have to be about Forgiveness.
"If you judge people, you have no time to love them" --Mother Theresa
5 comments:
Please forgive me for being the giver of said book of an unnamed author which has caused you such grief. Toss it out the window, release it, and move onto better things!!
So excited to be here with you in Forgiveness February. Looking forward to hearing about all the good stuff God does in your heart this month. Love you big! K
It seems to be already working... nothing like two snow days to make you pause and let go and just be. Granted, I watched a lot of Top Chef and People's Court... but I do feel a change in the air about February. THank you, friend for the book and for your support on this journey.
Hey you!! I didn't know you had a blog!! YIPPEE for being able to hear, and feel miss Sarah Pomranka, even from Uganda!! I am sorry to hear about your aunt Sarah. It's not an easy road. Our family has battled with cancer too too much, and we've lost many to it. Words don't seem to help in hard times, I know, so I won't write anything here...so...instead I will spend my time praying for ya and for Feb. to surprise you with Goodness and prayers for your aunt!! We sure love ya Sarah!!
You seem not to need this "Ballad for Gloom" this month. ShouldacouldaWoulda sent it last month.
"Ballad for Gloom"
Ezra Pound
For God, our God is a gallant foe
That playeth behind the veil.
I have loved my God as a child at heart
That seeketh deep bosoms for rest,
I have loved my God as a maid to man—
But lo, this thing is best:
To love your God as a gallant foe that plays behind the veil;
To meet your God as the night winds meet beyond Arcturus' pale.
I have played with God for a woman,
I have staked with my God for truth,
I have lost to my God as a man, clear-eyed—
His dice be not of ruth.
For I am made as a naked blade,
But hear ye this thing in sooth:
Who loseth to God as man to man
Shall win at the turn of the game.
I have drawn my blade where the lightnings meet
But the ending is the same:
Who loseth to God as the sword blades lose
Shall win at the end of the game.
For God, our God is a gallant foe that playeth behind the veil.
Whom God deigns not to overthrow hath need of triple mail.
from DOD@EP.Love
I think you mean Gandalf to the Balrog. Shadowfax is the name of Gandalf's horse. I understand what you mean, though.
On another note, I noticed that you mentioned your students again. I think that if I taught, I would have more stories posted about them.
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