Living with an open hand

I went to the David Wilcox concert tonight... it was like a revival for my poor, weary heart. It brought up a lot of epiphanies about stuff going on in my life right now. Most of my epiphany was how good it felt to just chill out and listen. I don't do that very often. Stopping my life to listen to David Wilcox's story-songs seems like a luxury and also a little scary because he might bring some stuff up in his songs that open up some truths in my life. I found myself spontaneously weeping and thinking "Crap, I so don't want to deal with this feeling right now". But there I was, weeping. It wasn't that I felt sad, it was just that I felt home. So in a way it was like a "good" sad, you know?

He played two songs that really met me where I am right now. The first is a song called "Deeper Still" which is about as heartbreaking as a song can get, but also sings of hope. How do we go on when life gets so hard? As David Wilcox sings, "you will always have what you gave to love".

The next song he sang that really touched me was a song called "Open Hand". If you want to live life, live it with an open hand. Receiving something is always better than demanding it, right? I want to be able to receive what God gives to me with an open hand, I know that if I clutch onto anything, my appreciation of the gift decreases by about 10.

i dunno...David Wilcox is just amazing. This posting is just to say that and give you an opportunity to agree with me. :-)

The sea is still the sea...

How much does anger cost?

I'll admit, I've been frustrated lately. It is easy for that frustration to manifest into anger and then for the anger to manifest into bitterness. And then the bitterness makes us feel more bloated than a hot dog eating contest. The truth is, anger does nothing for us. It is like drinking poison and expecting the object of our anger to die. And yet, we have such a hard time releasing ourselves from it. It is almost addictive. If we could just get a witness or some validation for our anger, then we'd be free of it.

Well, that doesn't solve problems. The truth is that life is sometimes unfair and sometimes we don't agree with people or practices. And instead of accepting that, we get angry-er-er. These are the people at health care reform town hall meetings, these are the people who have talk shows on news networks, these are the people who have escalated to near stroke levels in their inability to process difficult emotions.

I was told this summer that I am in the "in" group where I work. I don't know about that. I tend to deal with difficult situations by problem solving or rationalizing, rather than escalating the situation to epic levels of "THIS-IS-SPARTA!!-push-you-off-a-cliff" madness. I wasn't always this way. I can be pretty emotional and scream-y and blood pressure raisingly grrrrrrr sometimes. But that emotional torment has never aided my cause. I found outlets for my grrrr-ness; yoga, counselling, chips and salsa, and visualizing that stone cottage in Scotland. If nothing else, I have great "shower rants" in which I rant and argue with nonexistent people while I shower.

Yesterday, I read this idea that the sea may ebb and flow, but it is still the sea. What is constant in my life is God. God is. The troubles of my life and the anger that I feel may come and go, and come again, but God is God. He is my anchor when I feel adrift. And honestly, why participate in anger when it produces so few results? Anger doesn't make us healthier, smarter, more popular... it is a moment of torment that we have a hard time casting off.

What does anger cost us?

the leather recliner of emotional enabling...

Hamlet is spinning around my head. What a mess that kid was. Why couldn't he just confront his mom and say, "Look Mom, I am having a hard time with your new marriage and I am not quite ready to move forward after Dad's death and I think it would be better for everyone if I just went back to school and then maybe I'll backpack around Italy."

BUT NO... Hamlet had to fester and stew and create a revenge fantasy, and then act it out in this huge killing spree. Reading this play as the first thing I do with the seniors has convinced me that I need to be taking care of myself this year.

I created a little triangle of wellness (well, I didn't create it, but I remember it). In order to maintain my well-being I need to maintain my spiritual, physical and emotional health. That means having time to read and journal and pray, making time to exercise and eat well, and using my little emotional help tools to stay emotionally healthy. School is a huge drain on me, and I sometimes wonder if it is like that for everyone who teaches. I find myself going to bed early and relying on diet Pepsi to get me through to 4th block. In the fall I think I tend to adjust poorly to this change. I come home at 3:30 and I sink into the leather recliner I got this summer... and I rock back and forth while staring at Jeopardy and I wonder if it is too late to apply at Starbucks. I can create some negative spirals fairly quickly. Granted, my coping skills are fairly innocuous, but coping just enables poor emotional health, it doesn't heal.

But this is (I hope) a short transition time. I have to take care of the needs I have; spiritually, emotionally and physically, and in turn that will give me more energy to teach and teach well. A dangerous cycle is created when we don't take care of ourselves. I know how it affects my teaching when a part of my well-being is off-kilter. One bad hair day and I go back into the negative cycle. I don't want to sit in that recliner all school year. What kinds of things do you do to keep yourself healthy in times of stress?

Super Girl fights the perceptions of others!

This has been a strange summer for me. Not like alien-visitation strange, but more "awareness-of-who-I-am" strange. I found some photos that I hadn't seen before, I met new family members, I tried beer from Thailand. It was almost like I was looking at this person I used to be and thought "who was that?" I think people do that in their 30's, reflect a lot on who they are, where they came from and inevitably, they look toward where they are going.

As humans, we tend to compare ourselves to others. And sometimes that comparative analysis can lead us into dangerous waters. The waters where our insecurity and fears become magnified. I have been watching a lot of Mad Men this month and I see it a lot in the 60's. There was this unspoken standard to be "normal" in the 50's and 60's that was ultimately repressive and emotionally shaming. Now (even today) we sometimes compare ourselves to the "norm", the "standard expectations" that seem to satellite around us. But I am finding that those standards don't apply to me, and that feels really freeing.

I have said to many people this summer "99% of how another person treats you is about them and not about you". Well der! But it is one thing to know that and another thing to own it. If we get that negative message in our head and then start a story around it, then all that stuff about it being about them is moot.

So what is my supergirl strength? Well, I vow to fight the stories in my head and be aware of what is definitely NOT about me. Fight the "norm", be YOU and whatever makes you YOU is meant to be.

I've got suitcases full of issues.

“If I could fully accept the truth that I am forgiven and do not have to live in guilt or shame, I would really be free. My freedom would allow me to forgive others seventy times seven times. By not forgiving, I chain myself to a desire to get even, thereby losing my freedom.” – Henry Nouwen

Last week was pretty hard for me. I struggled with my top three “gah” inducing issues. I am sure we all have at least one of those issues; family, self-image, confidence, success, blah blah blah. Mine are sometimes triggered by well-meaning people and then I am sent to my bed listening to sad FM and drinking Coyote Gold from the bottle with a straw. Well, it wasn't that bad last week, but I did feel some anger, some self-pity and some awesome self-loathing. And this week as I was trying to get myself free of the garbage that hangs on after one of these rockin episodes of crappiness, I found some very wise words and had a real epiphany.

This summer my mantra has been “Let Go”. I love the songs that really underscore the letting go, “Babylon” by David Gray comes to mind, and that Frou Frou song, “Let Go”. I think the theme of these things is to let go of whatever is keeping you down. Be unfettered, be free to go forward. But I think this really hit home for me yesterday as I was reading the above passage by Henry Nouwen. I thought about all the things that have come easily to me, in particular, this wonderful house I bought last year. I really really really wanted this house when I first saw it. It was the one. But I never had a moment of anxiety that I wouldn't get it. I just knew that I would be living in this place and that it would be awesome.

Well, obviously home-ownership is not one of the issues I struggle with. In fact, the issues that I struggle with are the same issues I carry around with me everywhere I go and in everything I do. It is like I have these three giant suitcases full of my neuroses. I pack the suitcases with my wants, my fears, my insecurities and all the issues that trigger them. And whenever these issue suitcases are triggered, they get heavier.

But then there is the promise of faith. Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see, right? So if I hope for a resolution to these issue suitcases, I am gonna have to set the suitcases down. Because if God intends to give me good things (as I believe He does) then I can't receive them if I am schlepping suitcases around. Can I get an Amen? I have to let go of my suitcases full of issues. In fact, I have to toss them away, let them fall open, and let all my issues come flying out. I can't get what I want if I am clinging to what I have. Taking control over my own issues and trying to “fix” them just won't work. If I let go, then I can receive what God would have for me.

In order to receive the things I want, I have to let go of the things I carry.

What are you tired of carrying around?